Tuesday, May 19, 2009

" Try'n To Find The Rainbow "

I cannot give you a reason, God knows I have no legitimate
reason to be depressed, but I am ...................
For several days now I have been try'n to find the rainbow.
I'm not in a suicidal depression, it's more like an exhausted
joyless funk! Nothing gets me excited or makes me smile.
I am far from this type person and I'm very worried about
the cause of this. Some have said it may be my big trip.
Maybe, but I've been home 8 days! It never takes that long
to re-coup!

From Whence You Came

A cloud of depression dark and mouldy

Has draped its self upon my shoulders

From whence it came, I haven't a notion

it's taken as a prisoner, my emotions

go away I said; it did not hear

my smile and joy just disappeared

I try to read- the words stay still

I sleep and sleep as if I'm ill

A knot stays tight within my throat

I think at times that I might choke

No soft caress from my true love

No prayer I whisper to the one above

Not even the sound of my children's voices

Can erase the dark and replenish my joy

Flee from here my mind screams loud

Get out, get out, get out, get out

You have no business hanging around

I have no sorrow I wish to drown

I refuse to let you keep me down

I'll rise and find the perfect way

to stand against your heavy weight

I'll push and shove, I'll cry and scream

until your back......

From whence you came

Copyright May 19,2009 by Carol Murdock

I'd like to add a footnote to this post: 7:09 P.M.

After posting this ,I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to read some of Louise Howe Bailey's book " Draw Up A Chair". There is a story titled " Envy Me My Neighbor " in which she tells of convincing him against his better judgement to go visit the beach with his family.

He takes her advice : the first night, a tornado hits the campground, the next day he nearly drowns trying to save someone drowning and then there's the sharks! I have laughed till the tears ran down! Thank you Louise Howe Bailey!!!


Gary Carden said...

We should have talked more. I am a manic depressive and I have been treated for it by both psychiatrists and medication. Of course, I am not sure that finding that you have company may be meaningless. You may be merely experiencing a momentary depression - I guess only time will tell. I've been in a crisis center and have undergone years of treatment that noted that my "storytelling talent" was an expression of mild mania. However, I pray nightly that the profound depression will not return. I react to an onset by activity....prolonged activity. I tell stories, write reviews, work on plays, etc. For me, it works.

Anonymous said...


I hope it is a momentary cloud that passes. Perhaps the traveling has left you down after yu have returned back to day to day life.

Anonymous said...

The nasty thing about depression is that you can't pull yourself out of it. It takes someone or something else. I'm glad you found something to make you smile again.

BlueRidge Boomer said...

Yep!.....i've had the same feelings......i call them "Pity Partys!" Usuallly takes several hours of porch sitting to recover.....

Keep smiling.....LindaMay

Katherine Aucoin said...

Carol, I hope the dark cloud that was hanging over you has passed. I guess we all have "our days". Hoping you're back to your normal self...sounds like you're well on your way!

Eleanor said...

I certainly would not want to minimise what you are feeling, dear friend, but I think we all hve those days or moments. I find exercise, a chat with a friend, Strauss waltzes and some hearty self-talk usually helps! You are a special person and I am always honoured when you visit me and leave a comment. Love Eleanor

Bren said...

Wonderful Carol..... I do love the photo of the rainbow! IT has been a while since we caught a good one in our neck of the woods. Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts and creativeness.

The Dutchess said...

Hello Carol..thank you for visiting my blog...I am off to france today but when i get back i will be visiting you again...We both like to read and write..and blog:)Please visit my (secret) garden and sit under the lilac tree for a while...watch what happens...maybe a dance from a very handsom bear..or cookies from a frog..
Greets from Holland.

Kaye Barley said...

Oh Carol - I hate this.

I was going to say that yes, I agree totally with the comment you left at my blog that maybe you needed a trip to the beach. THEN I read your footnote about what you read and just HOOTED!!!!

Sometimes the let down after a trip or a big event can indeed leave us feeling joyless. and it's painful. Sending hugs your way, sweetie. Feel better soonest.

Trixie said...

Hey, you little ole butter biscuit! On account of the great depressions that that gal who helps me out is fighting yeah these many years, Granny feels your pain and how well she knows how you can't tell from whence it came, and maybe can't just step out of it, or walk or talk or pray yourself out of it. (Though we should try all of the above, for sure.) And those who have not had the kind that you can't walk or talk or smile or pray yourself out of better be down on their knees in gratitude for that.

Even Elly May Clampett's old granny, were she alive and kickin' today, would believe in the dance of the chemicals in our brains that are ever complex and mysterious and many times do not respond to the abbracadabra of "thinking happy thoughts" and other New Agey nonesense much of which I deplore. (Though sometimes our minds do respond to that, so we should try even that.)

Sometimes the fix is as easy as making yourself do something, anything, something different, and sometimes it's not. But it is always something we should try. And try again. But not beat ourselves up if it doesn't work.

For our minds are a deep and abiding mystery and though we have learned much about it, our education is in its infancy.

And a reason for this cloud hanging over you there may be, and yet there may not be one we have the wisdom to understand.

I've wagered that the ironical and inexplicable loneliness that comes from having had a good time among friends--and then leaving them in the rearview mirror--might be the cause of your current bad weather, even when you know you will stay connected with them through the miracle of the worldwide web.

For in our evolutionary past, when we were with our tribe we had protection and all was well, but when we were parted from them suddenly, got lost or fell behind and were alone and vulnerable in the wild, we had every reason to feel dark and gloomy because without the tribe, in those dark days, we were overcome with certainty: We KNEW we would soon fall to the predators in the shadows.

And though we do not have that certainty now, our brains still operate that way. And this, I conjecture, is why so many of us feel WORSE, lonelier and more bereft, after we've had company or been among friends than before!

When we are among others and suddenly are not, even when we still have someone by our sides, our brains recall the days, many millenia ago, when we tripped and fell and our tribe, for its own survival, had to go ever onward in search of food and water, and we were alone and injured on the vast plains. Because this is not something we have to worry about now, we don't understand it, but our brains remember and act out.

And the fatigue and weariness which results from a long, arduous trip and the letdown of nervous energy that upheld you builiding up to it, may have compounded it all. (Another reason I'm no fan of that book fair! Haw!!!) And the little angels and demons that live inside our brains, which ever dance seeking what is "normal" perhaps danced too hard and then crashed too low, but they'll get up again.

And then there is that thing we must all share as we age, of knowing that those we love will indeed depart sooner rather than later and only an idiot could fail to be saddened by such thoughts. But we can try to replace those thoughts with others. We must for our survival.

But know from those of us who have suffered often from walking in the valley under this shadow, that the sun's arisin' on the other side and we're walkin' with you!

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, sweet you, I am so sorry that the black dog of depression is sitting on your lap. Sometimes the reason is under the surface like a splinter that nags,irritates and aches and yet seems invisible.

The black dog visits me frequently. I find that letting myself feel it for a while really helps as does therapy, Wellbutrin, exercise and my White West highland terrier.

The rainbow is there it is just hidden by temporary clouds.Hugs to you.

I_am_Tulsa said...

I am so glad that according to your footnote you have been able to laugh!
I usually have to sit down with some tea or coffee and just blank out for awhile maybe stare at beautiful pictures, magazines...try to stir up my creative juices.
But smiles/laughing is great...I like to say "a smile will take you a mile!".

Dirt Princess said...

Carol I can completely understand. I have days like this as well, and I am not suicidal or depressed. Somedays I just feel lost. I lost my job over a year & a half ago, anf I can't find a job in my field...and sometimes I just feel lost....like I don't know where I belong. So I just pray for God to take me where he wants me

Missy said...

I have been there too. It is an awful feeling. The fact that you read something and it made you feel better is great! If the depression comes back, don't wait too long to see someone about it. I think that I can honestly say that I have been depressed on and off for over 25 years and it is no fun. Take care of yourself and give me a holler anytime you need an ear to bend.

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...

I'm so glad that the book gave you some comic relief, Carol. I know the ugly beast of depression too. If it stays around do get an anti-depressant. I suffered needlessly until I finally saw a doctor. Now I don't need them, but one never knows when the beast will return. If anything, you certainly wrote a fabulous poem in your saddened state! If I could I would come by and bake you a big chocolate cake and we'd listen to some good ol' country tunes - On second thought, they might make us cry!
I've just returned from N.Carolina too! And also visited a Civil War cemetary. Such a beautiful state. I was reading about Flat Rock while I was there. I'd never heard of it before.
Take care,

lakeviewer said...

Look what came out of it. Take care of self; sleep and eat well. Keep writing...

A Brit in Tennessee said...

Oh Carol, love...so sorry :)
I think we all get in ruts like this, especially when we have been off doing and seeing, and then back home to a routine.
To be truthful, I've been in the same "funk" for several weeks now, and can't seem to shake it.
I'm glad you read something to make you smile.
I'm thinking it may be women hormones ?
Take good care,

NCmountainwoman said...

A little funk like that does a body good. Look at the lovely poetry it inspired!

And then you started laughing...that's the best part.

Vicki Lane said...

Oh, Carol, I hope that the clouds have rolled away and you're smiling again. Find some more fun stuff to read or watch; play in the dirt; take some pictures of flowers. And always remember all the friends who wish you well.

Vicki Lane said...

Oh, Carol, I hope that the clouds have rolled away and you're smiling again. Find some more fun stuff to read or watch; play in the dirt; take some pictures of flowers. And always remember all the friends who wish you well.

Glynis said...

E're you should weep in blackened world,
and time a painful sword,
lift thine eyes beyond despair,
above the cloudy skies.
Should torment and trouble,
upon thy shoulders lie,
look further, and see
a rainbow in your clouds

I wrote it for a friend but passing it onto you :) It is horrible how the black moments suddenly hit us. I am now 7yrs free of anti D's,I changed my lifestyle. I hope your cloud lifts soon.

Becca's Dirt said...

Sorry you are feeling blue today. What a nice poem you wrote. It pretty much sums it up. Glad you started to read a book. Tomorrow is another day to feel better. Counting on a new day and knowing that this too shall pass always helps me. I'll check in tomorrow. Hope you have a blessed day. Becca

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

Oh, I think we all feel that way sometimes. I think it's part of being human. My advice is a dog, a good book, and lots of ice cream. Oh, and open windows, fresh flowers and Mozart played really loud. And maybe a pie.

Feel Better!

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Gee Carol, you have many friends who are giving you their ideas... I say that it's sometimes normal to be 'up' and 'down'.... We're FEMALES. That's just part of what we're all about.

You have had several great trips lately (New Orleans, Natchez, and Flat Rock).. It's okay to go through some down time after getting home.

If you 'truly' think it's serious, see a doctor. BUT--since I'm a person who does not like prescription drugs, I would FIRST try some wholistic approach..

Make yourself get out --and do something like taking a walk, or going to a nursing home to help others, etc.... Sometimes, just getting your mind off of yourself and your "Pity Party" --make help you realize that so many others are in much worse shape..

Just read all of this FREE advice (although I'll expect my payment soon)---and then do what YOU want to do.

Love and Hugs and PRAYERS,

Renie Burghardt said...

Oh, Carol,

I hope you feel much better by now. Your poem describes your feelings perfectly. How talented you are, and so blessed in many ways. Just breathe deeply and say "this too shall pass," for it shall. Sending huggies and prayers and smiles and giggles your way to cheer you up. God loves you!



crochet lady said...

Your poem really says it like it is.

I just walked out of the shadows recently, so I can reasonably think again. When I am there in the shadowland of my soul, my thoughts are jumbled and small fears loom large. I heard an acronym for fear recently and it seemed to fit for me - False - Evidence- Appearing - Real.

After quite a few years of ups and downs from the mountain to the valley I have begun to recongnize the lying culprits that cripple me. The only way out is to cling to the light of truth.

I hope you find what you need to walk through the valley and out of it.


Deb Shucka said...

May you find peace, or more laughter, or both.